Emotional awareness
Psychotherapists often ask questions like “What’s going on inside of you right now?” or “what are you feeling as you talk about this?” We do this not because we are sadistic, but because paying attention to what’s going on inside is often an important step in addressing depression, anxiety, stress and other things that make us unhappy.
We’ve got a lot going on inside of us at any given moment. Our minds are very busy, full of thoughts and emotions, much of it going on in the background; that can make it very hard to define exactly what we’re feeling or what is going on inside us. This is especially true for men, who often have grown up learning to control their emotions rather than express them. How can we gain greater awareness of our internal world? Here are some steps:
- Check in with yourself from time to time. That’s especially true when some event has happened that causes you to feel something intense. (Intense feelings are understandably easier to identify.)
- Start by taking a few deep breaths. Breathing gives you the space you need to pay attention. And while you’re at it…
- Don’t judge yourself, your thoughts or your feelings. Feelings bubble up or come on us with the force of a tidal wave. Everyone has them. Believing you shouldn’t feel the way you feel is a great way to get stuck in the feeling!
- What do you notice? Can you give a name to the feeling? Some emotions – anger, for instance – can usually be identified quickly. Other feelings, like hurt, can be surprisingly tough to label. You get extra credit for digging a little deeper and noticing if there is another feeling next to or underneath the first one.
- What thoughts accompany a particular feeling? Feelings are often connected to thoughts, beliefs, or judgments of our selves or others. Often these thoughts are irrational.
If you’re feeling something negative or painful, take a moment to consider how you can treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Accepting yourself and your feelings for what they are is an emotionally healthy thing. And remember that feelings are something that you have, not something that you are. Your feelings can and will change, often in a breath or a heartbeat.
Overtime-depression connection
Work-life balance is as much of a challenge as ever, and now there is evidence. A study has found a connection between long work hours and major depressive episodes. Specifically, those who worked 11 hours a day or more were twice as likely to experience depression.
For many people, work is more stressful than ever: worries about layoffs, doing more with fewer resources or taking on the responsibilities that used to be shared among a larger staff. No wonder that more Americans are taking antidepressant medication than ever.
While long hours are not a matter of choice for many people, for others overtime has become a style of working rather than an obligation imposed from outside. Maybe they are perfectionists, unable to let go of a project or responsibility when it has reached “good enough” status. Or their anxiety translates into obsessive behavior around work assignments. For others, work becomes a way of avoiding an empty home life.
A life that works requires balance: interpersonal intimacy, physical activity and fun in addition to employment. If work has started to crowd out the rest of your life, take action to avoid feelings helpless and becoming depressed. If the situation is temporary, look for stress relievers like exercise and time with friends to get you through. But if work is a chronic problem, look at what you can do to restore work-life balance. That may mean changing how you approach your work. It may mean changing jobs. For sure it means working to live, not living to work.
Changing Sexual Orientation?
The leader of Exodus International has acknowledged what gay men and women have been saying for years: it is extremely rare for someone to actually change sexual orientation. How rare? Exodus’s President, Alan Chambers (via equalitymatters.org):
The majority of people that I have met, and I would say the majority meaning 99.9 percent of them, have not experienced a change in their orientation or have gotten to a place where they could say that they could never be tempted or are not tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction. I think that there is a gender issue there. There are some women who have challenged me and said, “Well that – my orientation or my attractions have changed completely.” Those have been few and far between. The vast majority of people that I know do still experience some level of same-sex attraction.
Consider that Exodus works with very highly motivated individuals – mostly people who imagine they will experience eternal damnation if they aren’t successful. Even with that sort of “encouragement,” these folks are as gay as they ever were.
What Exodus does sometimes change, at least temporarily, is how that sexuality is expressed. A man may have as much attraction to other men as ever, but with sufficient motivation – there’s that damnation thing again, plus family pressure and society’s privileging of heterosexuality – some men can act heterosexual. Sometimes these men get married, much to their later regret and the regret of their wives. And sometimes men stay single and try to avoid sexual thoughts about men. How well does that work? Let’s do an experiment. Right now, try not to think of an elephant.
This is not a formula for a happy, fulfilling life. This is a prescription for loneliness, self-loathing and isolation.
I’ve written elsewhere about understanding sexual orientation. A better course of action for conflicted individuals is working through these conflicts to explore what is most true for themselves and what sort of choices lead to a life that is satisfying, loving and connected with others.
Feeling stuck?
We all get stuck. We have times in our life when things go swimmingly, and other times when we don’t know whether to turn left or right. What to do? Here’s a bit of inspiration from Burning Man 2011 based on Dr. Seuss’s last book, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” (It is age restricted for some reason; I have no idea why.)
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
(And thanks to Patrick for calling my attention to this.)
