Emotionally sensitive people
“Don’t be so….sensitive.” Some people hear that a lot. It can be uncomfortable at times if you’re a woman. If you’re an emotionally sensitive man, life can be pretty tough, because our society expects men to be in control of their emotions.
Sensitive people often have a keen sense of empathy for others. In fact, they may be uncomfortably empathic, having a difficult time distinguishing between what a distraught friend is feeling and their own sense of being upset. That can lead to difficulty in setting healthy boundaries with others (while making it even more important to have those boundaries in the first place). In relationships, they may tolerate the intolerable as a result.
Overly sensitive people may wonder if carrots feel pain when they are chopping veggies for a salad. Seeing a dog that is missing a leg makes them tear up. Sad music….well, you get the idea. They may pick up clues about what is going on with a friend when the other person thinks they are hiding their emotions – or when the friend isn’t even aware what he or she is feeling.
Did I mention that these folks can be extremely troubled by criticism, rejection or fear of failure? That can make interpersonal relationships complicated. Job reviews can cause them to feel uncomfortably vulnerable. They may avoid confrontation in relationships.
Sensitivity is not a bad thing. In a world that can be cold and unfeeling, empathy is welcome. The emotional intelligence that comes with being sensitive can be an advantage if it isn’t too extreme. But to live this way can feel like going through life without a protective skin, and that’s a hard way to live.
If you are highly emotionally sensitive, there are things you can do to take good care of yourself:
- Fight perfectionist tendencies. Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic. Ask others for feedback (occasionally) to get a reality check on your own expectations.
- Learn to manage your emotions. (Note: this is not the same thing as saying, “Don’t be so sensitive!”) Realize that ups and downs are part of life. Cultivate calmness, maybe through meditation. Notice when you need time alone to decompress, and when you need to be with others.
- Beware of negative self-talk. Self-criticism is a bad habit for overly-sensitive people – one you can’t really afford. Learn to recognize and manage negative thoughts before they get away from you.
- Cultivate emotionally healthy friends. You don’t need to be around people who always bring you down, or who are emotional vampires who always leave you feeling drained.
- Cultivate a sense of humor. Life is easier when you don’t take everything with too much seriousness.
When they take care of themselves, emotionally sensitive people make the world a better place. They can be great friends. They can be champions and advocates for outcasts and the downtrodden. The key is self-compassion, self-management and self-care. For sensitive people, that may seem like a life-long journey. Stop judging your self or comparing yourself to others. You can learn to manage your interior life and manage life’s ups and downs.
The resilience of gay seniors
The Atlantic recently reported on a study of LGBT seniors, and as you might expect, the picture is complicated:
The respondents reported greater rates of disability, depression, and loneliness, and were more likely to smoke and binge-drink compared to heterosexuals of similar ages. Almost two-thirds of them had been victimized at least three times, and 13 percent had been denied health care or received inferior care. Still, LGBT older adults remained resilient. Nine in 10 engaged in wellness activities like meditation and 82 percent said they regularly exercised. Nearly all of them felt good about belonging to the LGBT community, and more than a third stated that they attended spiritual or religious services.
There are all sorts of reasons why gay and lesbian seniors may have had a rougher go of it. While antigay violence and discrimination are still far too prevalent, life really has gotten better for gay people in the almost 43 years since the Stonewall riots. But for many seniors, these gains came relatively late in life, after years that were impacted by rampant discrimination and
People who are seniors in 2012 faced rampant discrimination in employment and health care, invisibility in the public sector and too often isolation from family. Often the only gathering spaces open to them were bars; small surprise, then, that alcohol has too-prominent a place in many of their lives. Marriage equality wasn’t on the radar screen. Indeed, many seniors were potential felons until the US Supreme Court overturned sodomy laws in 2003.
Despite this, LGBT elders show a remarkable resiliency. Many formed enduring relationships that are an amazing testimony to love, given all of the obstacles placed in their way. Findings suggest that identification with the gay community is particularly strong for this age group – not too much of a surprise, considering that many of these resourceful people were responsible for the existence of a gay community in the first place.
The full study report from the University of Washington is available here in PDF format.
How do you know if you’re really in love?
This week is Valentine’s Day, and our culture turns to the most syrupy, most sentimental ideas of love and relationships. If you have a spouse or partner, you’ll probably be making time for romance. If you’re single, you’ll probably be grinning and bearing it and eager for the calendar page to turn. But what if you’re dating? How do you know if you’ve found “the one?”
Whether its images of Cupid’s arrow or talk of chemistry, most people expect to know quickly, if not instantaneously, when they’ve fallen in love. The talk of chemistry is interesting, because part of what’s involved is literally just that – neurochemistry, in this case. Research shows that when you’re smitten with someone, you experience an amphetamine-like soup of hormones and neurotransmitters. The two most involved are dopamine and phenylethylalamine, or PEA. We find ourselves focused on the other, almost obsessed. We’re infatuated, and it feels good.
It is important to understand that this isn’t the same thing as love. You may be experiencing what is sometimes called limerence. It’s a little euphoric. It can also be transitory. And it could be an oxytocin high. Sometimes called the cuddle chemical, oxytocin causes us to feel more attached after physical intimacy. It can also make us stupid, because sometimes the person we’re attached to is not an appropriate choice. Women seem to be particularly prone to oxytocin intoxication.
So how do you know if its love? Here are a few clues:
- You find yourself loving the time you spend together. You’d rather be with this person than just about anyone else, and you may annoy your friends by spending your time away from your guy/gal talking about your guy/gal.
- You feel warmth and affection for your crush and find you can’t help expressing it – verbally, physically and in other ways.
- You enjoy the other person’s personality and the way it expresses itself – including in odd or quirky little ways.
- You feel better – more secure, more stable – in the other person’s presence than you did when you were by yourself.
- The other person becomes a priority for you – not to the exclusion of your own needs and wants, but you find that you are influenced by the other’s needs. You want to make him or her happy.
- You find yourself thinking and dreaming about plans for life down the road together.
Understanding love can be confusing – all the more so because you and your significant other may not get there at the precisely the same moment. Feelings can get a little bruised if one person is more enthusiastic and into the relationship than the other is, perhaps because the two of you carry different baggage into the relationship. So remember the advice The Supremes gave many years ago: “You can’t hurry love, no you just have to wait.” When it comes to true love, patience is indeed a virtue.
Flirting: there’s an app for that
From the New York Times: the web has provided matchmaking sites since the dawn of time. Now your phone wants in on the act and stands ready to help you with one of those dating skills that some find easy and others find incredibly difficult: flirting. Have trouble getting up the nerve to approach the guy or gal who’s got your attention? There are apps that automate flirting like IFlirt4U. It will strike most people as a bit on the unsophisticated side.
Potentially more useful is a wiki called How to Flirt from wikiHow. Its free and offers useful advice.
Flirting is a challenge for those of us who are shy. Starting a conversation at the gym or supermarket can feel daunting. Alas, it is also pretty essential to the process of dating. Perhaps technology can help a bit, but making the connection is ultimately up to you. Some things to consider:
- Look approachable. Be aware of your body language; let it communicate openness. Don’t forget to smile.
- Break the ice. Make eye contact. Consider offering a compliment about what your crush is wearing or doing is a start; it’s best not to get too far ahead of yourself by commenting on body parts. Introduce yourself. Have trouble making small talk? There are dozens of books on the topic.
- Your goal is a little light conversation. Many people put too much pressure on themselves by feeling they’ve got to keep talking until the flirt turns into something like a first date. No need to put that much pressure on yourself. A little small talk is fine. Don’t be afraid to ask a question or two, but give the person time to respond. Chatting is a two-way streak.
- Look interested, not desperate. A little humor can go a long way to put the other person at ease. Avoid coming across in a manner that is so intense that it marks you as a potential stalker.
- If someone isn’t interested, move on. This can be hard for shy people. Give yourself credit for taking a chance, and don’t worry if you don’t hit a home run your first time at bat.
Can technology can help? Maybe. But flashing your phone with a large U R HOT text at someone in a crowded bar probably isn’t the shortcut to success.
The end of illness?
There is more and more evidence that we make choices that dramatically impact the state of our health, the focus of a new book called The End of Illness by David Agus. Macleans.ca summarizes the book this way:
Take statins if you’re over 50, and baby Aspirin, too. Drop the vitamin supplements like they were a lit cigarette. Junk the juicer. If the vegetables at the supermarket aren’t today-fresh, opt for fresh frozen. Wear sensible shoes. Eat lunch and go to bed at the same time every day. Get your flu shot. Move around a lot, even when you aren’t exercising. Digitize your medical records, family history and genetic profile, and store this information on a USB stick. Carry it with you always. Share it, anonymously, with the world.
This presentation by Agus at TED in December, 2011, says that we don’t need to fully understand complex diseases in order to stop them. While his focus is on physical illness and health, some of the actions that enhance physical health (exercise, for instance) support mental health as well.
(via the Atlantic)
About John
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to relationships, intimacy, sexuality, anxiety, depression and work-life balance. He can be reached at john.ballew@gmail.com or at (404) 874-8536. Copyright 2012 by John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved. Please contact for permission to reprint an article. Thanks!
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