Relationship tip: The importance of time together.
We‘re busy. Long hours at work – and in a city like Atlanta, often a long commute – chores at home, time at the gym and the day-to-day grind of life…before you know it, the day is gone. Then the week is gone.
If we don’t take time for what is truly important to us, life loses its focus and direction. That’s especially true for relationships. Two busy partners can end up making everything a priority except the relationship. This is especially true when instead of holding one another accountable, the mutual busy-ness causes each to let quality time together slide. The next thing you know, one partner is working every night on his laptop while the other watches TV. The relationship reaches a standstill. And each partner feels a bit rejected by the other.
Being in the same room at the same time is not the same thing as spending time together. Quality time means paying attention to one another, doing something meaningful with each other, enjoying your partner’s company and remembering why you chose this person above all the rest. It means having fun together, whatever that means for you: taking a walk, cooking dinner, making love or taking a vacation.
You wouldn’t think it would take constant vigilance to maintain space for some of life’s greatest pleasures, but that’s the nature of existence. Here are some suggestions:
- Schedule time for fun. Plan ahead to invite others over for dinner, see a play, whatever. Waiting until the last minute to do something may seem more spontaneous, but often it leads to plans falling through, disappointment and boredom.
- Plan a vacation. Too many Americans let time off from work lapse because they were “too busy” to use the days they had earned. This is an awful thing. Plan ahead. Having something to look forward to builds anticipation and adds to the pleasure of the experience.
- Limit the ways work encroaches on your personal time. Everyone has to work long hours on occasion, but if that’s happening regularly – or if you’re in the habit of taking work home with you – consider it a problem that needs your attention.
- And spend some time apart. Experienced couples know that having a little time apart adds to the pleasure of a relationship. Time with a friend, hobby, project or activity helps keep life interesting and helps routines keep from becoming ruts.
Don’t let your relationship spend too much time on automatic pilot. If you find yourself getting a little bored, wake up and try something new.
How to be alone
Maybe you saw the headline in the AJC: Atlanta tops for people living alone. The May 1 article noted that Atlanta is tied for Washington with 38.5% of households consisting of one person. More and more of us are living alone, it seems. So why does being alone seem like a problem for so many of us?
Sometimes being alone conjures up negative feelings – shame for not having someone to do something with, or fear that our aloneness either reflects something negative about us or is the way will always be. But for most of us, being alone isn’t the way we are all the time. It only seems like a problem when our fears get away from us and we make being alone something awful. Think of the reverse: imagine a life where you were never alone, where you were always accompanied or surrounded by others. Most of us would quickly get exhausted. Truth is, we need a respite from the busy-ness of modern life.
Remember what it was like when you were on your own for the first time? You probably felt anticipation and excitement. That’s something else that comes with being by ourselves: freedom. That’s one reason why I really like this video:
For those who live alone or spend a good bit of time being solitary, the real question is: how do you cultivate the pleasure of your own company? Here are some suggestions:
- Boredom is your enemy. OK, a little of it might be good if your life is hectic. But for most of us, loneliness and boredom are closely connected. What’s interesting to you? Check out local things to do in the paper or online. When was the last time you read a book simply for pleasure?
- What are you waiting for? Many single people feel self-conscious about going to a movie or restaurant by themselves or about traveling solo. Imagining that things would be more fun with a friend or a partner means that they postpone happiness until some future date. Better to seize the moment and make plans now.
- Try something different. We all get into routines, but if you’re feeling lonely it may be a signal you need to change yours. Add a new activity or commitment to your weekly routine. Consider volunteering or joining an organization committed to something you believe in.
- Monitor how much time you spend online. Staying in touch with friends via Facebook or whatever is fine, but spending lots of time communicating via keyboard or smartphone means that you’re in danger of not actually living your life. Set some time limits and do something else so you don’t become dependent on technology for human contact.
- Be patient. Realize that life has its seasons of solitude as well as those of hustle and bustle. Don’t let yourself get caught up in doom-and-gloom if you are going through a quiet time in your social life. Things will likely change soon, particularly if you are trying new things.
- Don’t be too patient. Single people can waste a lot of time waiting for the phone to ring. Don’t be shy about being the one to reach out and initiate contact or to make plans. Being patient doesn’t mean being passive.
Spending time alone can be a great time to recharge the batteries or to think about what’s really meaningful to you. Be mindful of the things you say to yourself and the choices you make and you may find yourself enjoying the freedom that comes with being your own person.
Love is not enough: thinking the unthinkable
Via JoeMyGod:
Think about it: your partner dies unexpectedly. You are in utter shock. It is by far the worst day of your life. Then things get much worse, unthinkably and cruelly worse.
Until our relationships are legally recognized, same-sex couples are in great peril if they don’t take legal steps to protect one another. Not only is the relationship dishonored – it is as if it never existed at all. So in addition to the pain of grief, there is the threat of financial catastrophe.
The couple in this video is young. It is easy to imagine that the idea of wills and estate planning never entered their minds. I’ve seen couples far older than them put off the writing of wills because no one likes to think of illness and death. Unfortunately, that means that however close you and your partner may feel, in the eyes of the law you are strangers. Strangers!
Loving your partner means getting over your denial and resistance and all the excuses you have for inactivity.
- Recognize that the fight for marriage equality is your fight. The passage of Amendment One in North Carolina emphasizes that we can’t afford complacency. Speak out! Take action!
- If you’re in a committed relationship that is not legally recognized in your state and own a home or share financial commitments you’re your partner, you must have a will if you want your partner protected after you’re gone.
- If you want your partner to be your representative in making decisions about your health in the event that you are incapacitated, you must grant him or her power of attorney for health care.
- In a relationship or single, if you want a say in how your assets are distributed after your death, you need a will. Chances are good that you’ll have accumulated more assets than you might think, resources that could make a difference for a non-profit or charity that you care about. Doing so is a way to make a difference even after you’re gone.
This is so important. The situation in this video is what I’ve always considered the ultimate gay nightmare, the ultimate outrage. It is avoidable! But you must take action. If you’re in the Atlanta area and need the recommendation for an attorney, let me know.
Reparative therapy and “ex-gays”
By now, talking about the lack of success in changing sexual orientation can feel a little repetitive and boring. Still, enough people continue to fall prey to these fraudsters that I think it is worth a little more conversation.
Gabriel Arana recently wrote an excellent and very readable report of his own experience with reparative therapy in an article called “My so-called ex-gay life” in The American Prospect. His article is worth your attention because he has first hand experience with the biggest names in the “ex-gay” field, Joseph Nicolosi and the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). Directly or indirectly, Nicolosi and NARTH have caused untold suffering for thousands of LGBT people.
Another reason to read the article is Arana’s interview with Robert Spitzer, a respected psychologist who in 2001 released a study that seemed to validate ex-gay therapy. That study has been a foundation of the ex-gay movement. In his interview, Spitzer asked Arana to print a retraction of his 2001 study because he felt it had been misinterpreted.
For more on the continuing revelations that discredit these attempts to change sexual orientation, I recommend this clip from Rachel Madow’s show.
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
Breakup-less breakups
Ending a relationship is almost always painful, even if you’re the one who initiated it. The relationship started with hopes and dreams; now it is drawing to a close. Even a relationship that has grown lifeless has a familiarity and comfort about it: the little daily routines that stitch life together will be missed. Small wonder, then, that some couples try to end the relationship without…actually ending the relationship.
Maybe there’s a decision to end the commitment to one another, but the daily phone calls at work continue, or the text messages throughout the day. Or a couple continues to share space, friends, even families together just as before the breakup. Sometimes the time spent together is almost as much as it was before, and life’s little intimacies continue unabated. Friends may even wonder….didn’t the two of you call it quits? We can’t tell!
This is what I call the “breakupless breakup,” the desire to end a relationship without actually disrupting the connection between the two people involved. It’s the fantasy that you can end the relationship without truly separating. It often fails to recognize that sometimes pain in life is unavoidable.
Couples ending a relationship often say they want to stay friends. That’s understandable. Unless there was a great sense of hurt or infidelity, the desire to hang on to the connection between former partners makes a certain sense. But often that desire to be friends is actually a form of denial or codependence. Concern for the other’s feelings has taken precedence over doing the important work of separation that is necessary if both people are to move on. The result is typically feeling stuck. In fact, if one former partner actually does move on and start to date, the other person may feel a sense of betrayal.
When a relationship begins, it takes time for two people to truly grow connected. Lives and emotions become entangled and interconnected. The two grow closer together. The work of separation is just the opposite: withdrawing involvement and investment in the other. This separation work is important if the former partners are to move on. Put another way: he or she must move out of that special place in your heart if there is to be space for someone else to move in.
Friendships – even close ones – are different from romantic relationships. It is almost always necessary for significant amount of a time to pass before a friendship can be established post-relationship. If that time is not permitted to occur, the situation is likely to be confusing and painful. One chapter must close before another can begin.
If you find yourself stuck in the post-relationship limbo of a breakupless breakup, there are steps you can take to move on:
- Talk with your ex about setting boundaries. This is a courtesy conversation; if your ex doesn’t recognize the importance of establishing some distance, your task is to establish boundaries on your own. In fact…
- Recognizing that your responsibility is now to yourself and not to your ex’s happiness is an important piece of separation work.
- Spend less time together. If your goal is to maintain a friendship, then remember that your ex is one friend among many now. Granting that person special access to your schedule is a problem.
- Communicate less. Talking or texting almost as much as you did when you were a couple keeps your emotions more intense than is helpful. Dial it back.
- Depend on yourself. Maybe you always relied on the other person to help you with certain tasks or responsibilities. That help now comes at a significant cost. Take charge of your own life.
- Let your emotions cool. If you find yourself preoccupied with news about your ex, you are staying hooked together. Learn to let it go. Instead of worrying about how he/she is doing, give yourself a little mantra, something like “I wish Steve peace and happiness” or “I wish Jessica well.” And let it go. If you are really worried that your ex needs support, suggest they get professional help rather than rely on you.
Breaking up is hard, but if you have decided to do it, do it well. Doing so leaves you with less unfinished business and allows you to move forward toward greater happiness.
About John
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to relationships, intimacy, sexuality, anxiety, depression and work-life balance. He can be reached at john.ballew@gmail.com or at (404) 874-8536. Copyright 2012 by John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved. Please contact for permission to reprint an article. Thanks!
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