What causes homophobia?
A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology says that a combination of repressed same-sex attraction and authoritarian parents cause homophobia. Strict parenting – common in fundamentalist households – thwart young people from developing a healthy sense of autonomy. When a child in such a family starts to feel attraction towards someone of the same sex, that desire must then be concealed and defended against. And it gets worse from there.
If you’re gay or lesbian, none of this is likely to strike you as news. It has often been gay “folk wisdom” that the biggest opponents of equality for LGBT people often carry a secret shame.
Self-loathing is a central part of the problem. The mix of defensiveness about attraction to others of the same sex and rejection of this part of the self is what causes some men and women to remain trapped in the closet. When that loathing is then projected onto other LGBT people, you get the long list of anti-gay preachers and politicians who end up having their careers cut short by gay sex scandals.
What struck me as most interesting about the study was the link with authoritarian parenting. “Authoritarian” in this sense doesn’t need to mean physically abusive (though that could be part of it). This sort of authoritarianism refers to parents who are strict and demanding and not respectful of their children’s choices – in fact, who may not permit choices at all. Children of such parents often confuse love with obedience to authority. For gay offspring of such parents, coming out may feel like a rejection of their parents. They may experience a terrifying fear losing their parents’ love.
Two responses to this sort of rigid parenting are common. The first response is fear. As a consequence of this fear, individuals with same-sex attraction may develop massive anxiety around gay feelings and attraction. This fear may be big enough that it causes them to repress their same-sex attraction. The attraction doesn’t go away, of course. Instead, it expresses itself in unhealthy ways. These repressed feelings may be behind some of the pedophilia scandal in the Catholic Church. Having a sexual relationship with an adult man would require acknowledgement and social interaction. A clandestine molestation of a child, on the other hand, keeps everything secret.
An alternate response is that individuals may become aggressive as a way of defending themselves against that part of the self that feels bad, broken or unacceptable. That aggression may be overt, as with the guy who goes out to physically assault LGBT people. Or the aggression may take a more political form. I suspect these people fill the ranks of the American Family Association, the National Organization for Marriage and a host of other groups fighting against equality for gay and lesbian people.
Why did Bob Bergeron kill himself?
Perhaps you’ve read the news: 48 year old psychotherapist Bob Bergeron took his life earlier this year. The author of a book entitled “The Right Side of Forty” and a therapist in New York City, Bergeron’s suicide was unexpected and rather out of the blue. He was a good looking guy with a successful practice, a supportive family and no known health problems or history of depression. What on earth happened?
I didn’t know Bergeron. My purpose in writing about him is not to criticize him, but to look at what his life and his death may say to us as gay men. Bits and pieces from his website may provide clues. Bergeron seems to have been very concerned with his physical appearance – there are a lot of photos on his website that display his well-built physique, perhaps a bit unusual for a psychotherapist. And he seems to have had trouble with aging. His last blog post, dated about three weeks before he took his life, included the following:
In 2012 I want to:
- Take better care of myself.
- Spend more time out of the house interacting and having fun.
- Find happiness with getting older and stop lying about my age.
In a video on his blogsite, Bergeron proposed defining youth as the years up to 65 – an alternative to the “50 is the new 35” trope he rejected. But both of these perspectives are problematic. 50 is 50 and 65 is 65, and to define either in terms of “youth” is ridiculous. (Full disclosure: I’m 58.) Anyone who is clinging to youth this far into midlife is in serious denial. If youth is over, is life is over? Hell no. But by the time you’re 50, life expects you to know a few things, to gain some perspective and to be able to distinguish between the ephemeral beauty of youth and the enduring beauty of a life well lived.
Perspective is the key to happiness and contentment at any age. I think that’s especially true as we get older. One of the great secrets of life is that things really do get better in so many ways. In the second half of life there is less to prove and more payoff from the hard work of earlier years. But successful living requires paying attention to what is really important: relationships and friendships, meaningful ways to invest our time and energy, physical and emotional health.
For many people, spirituality helps to provide that sense of perspective, of answering life’s big questions. What is our place in the order of things? What makes life meaningful? Whether through religion, meditation, time in nature or creative pursuits, healthy spirituality helps ease our anxieties and leads us to make positive choices.
Physical attractiveness has its place, but the beauty of youth is fleeting. If given too much importance in life, we’re in trouble. “Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse” is terrible advice.
I’m very sad that Bob Bergeron took his life. I’m sad that he felt life was so desolate, and I’m sad for the clients he’d worked with who must be struggling to grasp how someone could be gifted in helping them with their problems while ultimately so without hope in addressing his own. But my greatest concern is how this man’s death mirrors the struggle of so many gay men to find contentment and purpose as we grow older.
More questions about “normal” sexuality
Is kink OK?
Experimenting with sexuality is normal and healthy, and variety truly is the spice of life. “Kinky” is a very broad term that covers many, many activities. Playing with erotic power and exploring your sexy inner bad boy (or girl) can be ways to enjoy and enhance healthy sex. Something may not be “normal” in the sense of “statistically average,” but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it.
The key words in kinky play are safe, sane and consensual. Safe means just that – nothing unhealthy, dangerous, etc. Sane means not doing things that are unacceptably risky one way or another. Consensual means that both partners must agree to whatever is being done. If someone feels coerced or intimidated, they aren’t in a place where they can give their consent.
As with anything, talking with your partner about fantasies, limits and boundaries is the key to making sex work – and making it good.
What about fantasies?
Not everyone has them, but most of us do. Fantasies are a normal part of sexuality. It’s often said that the brain is the body’s biggest sex organ, and there is truth to that. Fantasies keep us from getting bored, help us understand our wants and needs, and can keep us from getting stuck in a rut.
It’s also important to understand that not all fantasies are something we would actually want to do in reality. Some fantasies are meant to stay that way – strictly fantasies.
At what age do people stop having sex?
Sexual energy may or may not decline with age; testosterone typically declines, and a drop in libido results. But there’s a wide variety in what is normal. If a person is reasonably healthy, there’s no reason why sex can’t be part of life at least into the 70s and 80s. Sex may look a little different than in younger years, but that may be just as much from knowing more about what works for you and how to be intimate as from physical changes.
Why don’t I have as much of a sex drive as my partner? Is that normal?
It is rare for two partners in a relationship to have exactly the same sex drive. One person usually initiates more often or wants sex more frequently. That doesn’t need to present a problem, but it does require communication and mutual care and concern. Talking about sex can be more difficult if one partner or the other feels “wrong.” It’s so easy for us to feel shame around sex, or to feel that something is damaged about us if we want sex less – or more – than someone else.
Pat Love has written several books about desire discrepancy, including “Hot Monogamy,” which I think of as a classic.
What does “normal” sexuality look like?
What’s sexually normal? That’s a question most of us ask ourselves at one point or another. Small wonder; our society doesn’t make it easy to find basic information, even though talk about sex is everywhere. Funny how “normal” is just another word for “average.” The former sounds better than the latter! Still, it is, um, “normal” for people to wonder about these things.
How often do most couples have sex?
There’s a lot of variability from couple to couple. It is typical for couples to have more sex early in the relationship, and for the frequency of sex to decrease as the relationship goes on. Surveys show that most heterosexual couples who have been together for a few years and are between mid-30s and early-40s typically have sex 4-8 times a month. Comparable statistics for same-sex couples are tougher to find, but my clinical experience is that frequency is probably similar.
So are the things that interfere with sexual frequency: work stress, health problems, medications (especially antidepressants), etc. Sex often becomes less frequent (but no less pleasurable) as we get older.
What about masturbation and porn?
Almost all men masturbate, regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship. Women are less likely to pleasure themselves, which is something of a shame, since masturbation is one of the ways we become more knowledgeable about our bodies and more comfortable with our sexuality. Maybe because of the gender differences, women sometimes are uncomfortable when they find they find a male partner masturbates without them, maybe feeling it implies a criticism of their sexual attractiveness or proficiency. That’s usually a source of unnecessary anxiety.
There’s a similar difference in interest in porn: men are much more frequent consumers of it. Anyone familiar with porn can pretty quickly see that it is aimed at men. Women as a group have less interest in it, though of course some women enjoy it quite a bit.
In the internet age, porn is easy to come by, so to speak. In fact, the ease with which it is available can itself be a problem when the search for more and more erotic stimulation becomes compulsive. How much is too much? Learn more about sex addiction.
Is my penis small?
If your standards for “normal” come from watching porn, you might think so. There’s a reason these guys are in movies.
The average length of an American erection is about 5.25 inches, give or take a quarter inch or so. You can be an inch or two shorter than that and have no trouble physically satisfying a partner. Most preoccupation with size is all about the psychology of it. We connect size with power, and power with pleasure. That’s unnecessary. As someone once said: it’s not the size of the pen, it’s the penmanship.
Have a question about sex? Email me and I’ll try to address other issues in future blog posts.
A simple cheat sheet for career choices
Making career choices is tough. We get caught in what psychotherapists call “approach-avoidance conflict.” We move toward making a change out of hope things will get better (approach); but we fear making a mistake, or jumping from the frying pan into the proverbial fire (avoidance). Small wonder many of us remain stuck until someone makes the decision for us.
Sarah Peck has come up with a simple way of thinking through the decision that I think is brilliant. When you’ve already done the work of investigating some options and collecting information, this way of looking at things helps you check your gut and clarify your values.
For more information, check out Peck’s blog.
About John
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to relationships, intimacy, sexuality, anxiety, depression and work-life balance. He can be reached at john.ballew@gmail.com or at (404) 874-8536. Copyright 2012 by John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved. Please contact for permission to reprint an article. Thanks!
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