More questions about “normal” sexuality
Is kink OK?
Experimenting with sexuality is normal and healthy, and variety truly is the spice of life. “Kinky” is a very broad term that covers many, many activities. Playing with erotic power and exploring your sexy inner bad boy (or girl) can be ways to enjoy and enhance healthy sex. Something may not be “normal” in the sense of “statistically average,” but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it.
The key words in kinky play are safe, sane and consensual. Safe means just that – nothing unhealthy, dangerous, etc. Sane means not doing things that are unacceptably risky one way or another. Consensual means that both partners must agree to whatever is being done. If someone feels coerced or intimidated, they aren’t in a place where they can give their consent.
As with anything, talking with your partner about fantasies, limits and boundaries is the key to making sex work – and making it good.
What about fantasies?
Not everyone has them, but most of us do. Fantasies are a normal part of sexuality. It’s often said that the brain is the body’s biggest sex organ, and there is truth to that. Fantasies keep us from getting bored, help us understand our wants and needs, and can keep us from getting stuck in a rut.
It’s also important to understand that not all fantasies are something we would actually want to do in reality. Some fantasies are meant to stay that way – strictly fantasies.
At what age do people stop having sex?
Sexual energy may or may not decline with age; testosterone typically declines, and a drop in libido results. But there’s a wide variety in what is normal. If a person is reasonably healthy, there’s no reason why sex can’t be part of life at least into the 70s and 80s. Sex may look a little different than in younger years, but that may be just as much from knowing more about what works for you and how to be intimate as from physical changes.
Why don’t I have as much of a sex drive as my partner? Is that normal?
It is rare for two partners in a relationship to have exactly the same sex drive. One person usually initiates more often or wants sex more frequently. That doesn’t need to present a problem, but it does require communication and mutual care and concern. Talking about sex can be more difficult if one partner or the other feels “wrong.” It’s so easy for us to feel shame around sex, or to feel that something is damaged about us if we want sex less – or more – than someone else.
Pat Love has written several books about desire discrepancy, including “Hot Monogamy,” which I think of as a classic.
What does “normal” sexuality look like?
What’s sexually normal? That’s a question most of us ask ourselves at one point or another. Small wonder; our society doesn’t make it easy to find basic information, even though talk about sex is everywhere. Funny how “normal” is just another word for “average.” The former sounds better than the latter! Still, it is, um, “normal” for people to wonder about these things.
How often do most couples have sex?
There’s a lot of variability from couple to couple. It is typical for couples to have more sex early in the relationship, and for the frequency of sex to decrease as the relationship goes on. Surveys show that most heterosexual couples who have been together for a few years and are between mid-30s and early-40s typically have sex 4-8 times a month. Comparable statistics for same-sex couples are tougher to find, but my clinical experience is that frequency is probably similar.
So are the things that interfere with sexual frequency: work stress, health problems, medications (especially antidepressants), etc. Sex often becomes less frequent (but no less pleasurable) as we get older.
What about masturbation and porn?
Almost all men masturbate, regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship. Women are less likely to pleasure themselves, which is something of a shame, since masturbation is one of the ways we become more knowledgeable about our bodies and more comfortable with our sexuality. Maybe because of the gender differences, women sometimes are uncomfortable when they find they find a male partner masturbates without them, maybe feeling it implies a criticism of their sexual attractiveness or proficiency. That’s usually a source of unnecessary anxiety.
There’s a similar difference in interest in porn: men are much more frequent consumers of it. Anyone familiar with porn can pretty quickly see that it is aimed at men. Women as a group have less interest in it, though of course some women enjoy it quite a bit.
In the internet age, porn is easy to come by, so to speak. In fact, the ease with which it is available can itself be a problem when the search for more and more erotic stimulation becomes compulsive. How much is too much? Learn more about sex addiction.
Is my penis small?
If your standards for “normal” come from watching porn, you might think so. There’s a reason these guys are in movies.
The average length of an American erection is about 5.25 inches, give or take a quarter inch or so. You can be an inch or two shorter than that and have no trouble physically satisfying a partner. Most preoccupation with size is all about the psychology of it. We connect size with power, and power with pleasure. That’s unnecessary. As someone once said: it’s not the size of the pen, it’s the penmanship.
Have a question about sex? Email me and I’ll try to address other issues in future blog posts.
Inside the mind of a closeted gay man
It is getting easier all the time to live an openly gay life. So why are a significant number of gay men still in the closet in 2012?
Life is getting better for many of us. Compared with even 10 years ago, our relationships are more likely to be recognized (Maryland, Washington and New York have legislated marriage equality in the past 12 months), we’re more visible than ever on television and elsewhere, and the national conversation on bullying is bringing greater awareness and support for the struggles of young gay men and women.
Those successes speak to progress in society as a whole. For too many gay men and women, their individual circumstances are significantly less optimistic.
- Gay men and women from highly religious families or families with very conservative social views may fear that owning a gay identity means ostracism from parents and siblings.
- Ethnicity can complicate coming out in cultures where marrying and having children is seen as fulfillment of family obligations.
- Lack of emotional support from friends or access to a positive gay support system can make coming out seem frightening and lonely.
Some men avoid coming out because they have internalized the message that gay is not OK. They have a limited view of masculinity, one that doesn’t allow for intimacy and tenderness between two men. This is true even if they are having sex with men while staying in the closet. By compartmentalizing sex and keeping it separate from a deeper sense of relationship, they can express same-sex attraction without lowering their emotional guard. Sex is just…sex, perhaps understood as a bad habit that needs to be controlled (like smoking).
Relationships with men who are still in the closet tend to be limited, but very intense. The sense of secretiveness, even danger, turns up the volume on just about everything. Encounters may seem especially passionate. But the limitations become especially frustrating.
Closeted men may have quite a bit of sex – especially when technology and social networking allows for anonymous, casual encounters. But closeted men lead lives that are highly compartmentalized: sex is one thing, relationships are another.
It is simplistic to think of being out/being in the closet as a simple, either-or choice. In reality, coming out is a process. The first stage involves moving from a vague sense of being different to acknowledging to one’s self that the sense of “differentness” has a name: gay. Think of this phase as coming out to yourself. Denial is not always easily overcome, especially if gay is something seen as alien. While most males reach this stage between the ages of 13 and 18, others come to this understanding younger in life or quite a bit older.
The next stage involves disclosing same-sex attraction to someone else. That may be a trusted friend. It may happen the way many adolescents explore their sexuality – by experimenting with sex. If the experiences of disclosure and exploration are positive, the man who is coming to terms with himself experiences an increase in self-esteem. Reassurance that he’s valued by friends and family is a powerful force for self-acceptance.
Of course, that doesn’t always happen, or it doesn’t happen quickly. That makes the newly-out person particularly vulnerable to self-doubt, anxiety and depression. He needs support in this phase.
Next comes exploring relationships for the first time. Dating may seem new and strange, particularly if those initial dates come later in life than most heterosexual first dates. Starting serious dating in your 20s or 30s, for instance, can feel like entering foreign territory where everyone else seems to speak the language that you are just learning to speak. But eventually, the language gets learned and relationships start to become more fulfilling.
Finally, a stable gay identity gets established and integrated into the man’s self-understanding. This may involve rethinking old friendships and relationships (if they aren’t supportive), work choices, places where the newly-out guy chooses to live. It can be challenging, but it is also rewarding.
Leading a double life is hard. It is depressing. The sense of not fitting in to either the straight world or the gay world can be painful. At its worst it can lead to self-hatred.
While things may be better than ever for many gay men and women, for some coming out is the most challenging thing they will ever do. It can be an act of heroism, really. It means facing our demons. Thankfully, our fears are often not as realistic as these demons would have us believe, and facing them opens up the possibility of fulfillment and authenticity in life.
I’m on TV today talking about closeted gay men
I’ll be appearing on TruTV’s In Session today between noon and 1 pm EST giving insight into the thinking of Tyler Clementi and M.B., the closeted gay man with whom he was videotaped just prior to Tyler’s jumping off the George Washington Bridge in September, 2010. The case is tragic. Tyler’s suicide came in the midst of the suicides of several very young men who had experienced anti-gay bullying taking their lives. The outcry helped energize the campaign against bullying.
Changing Sexual Orientation?
The leader of Exodus International has acknowledged what gay men and women have been saying for years: it is extremely rare for someone to actually change sexual orientation. How rare? Exodus’s President, Alan Chambers (via equalitymatters.org):
The majority of people that I have met, and I would say the majority meaning 99.9 percent of them, have not experienced a change in their orientation or have gotten to a place where they could say that they could never be tempted or are not tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction. I think that there is a gender issue there. There are some women who have challenged me and said, “Well that – my orientation or my attractions have changed completely.” Those have been few and far between. The vast majority of people that I know do still experience some level of same-sex attraction.
Consider that Exodus works with very highly motivated individuals – mostly people who imagine they will experience eternal damnation if they aren’t successful. Even with that sort of “encouragement,” these folks are as gay as they ever were.
What Exodus does sometimes change, at least temporarily, is how that sexuality is expressed. A man may have as much attraction to other men as ever, but with sufficient motivation – there’s that damnation thing again, plus family pressure and society’s privileging of heterosexuality – some men can act heterosexual. Sometimes these men get married, much to their later regret and the regret of their wives. And sometimes men stay single and try to avoid sexual thoughts about men. How well does that work? Let’s do an experiment. Right now, try not to think of an elephant.
This is not a formula for a happy, fulfilling life. This is a prescription for loneliness, self-loathing and isolation.
I’ve written elsewhere about understanding sexual orientation. A better course of action for conflicted individuals is working through these conflicts to explore what is most true for themselves and what sort of choices lead to a life that is satisfying, loving and connected with others.
What Makes a Man Sexy?
Our culture values sexiness. But what’ “sexy,” exactly? A visitor from another planet who looked at our advertising might think it was something you get from purchasing products like cars, colognes or cognac. Everyone wants it, but it is hard to define. What makes a man sexy?
The sexiness we’re talking about here is more than a matter of firm pecs and washboard abs. Physical characteristics are part of the equation, but far from the whole answer. We find some men sexy even though they are far from conventionally handsome, for instance.
Different people find different things sexually attractive, of course; sexy is a matter of personal taste. And what’s sexy to you when you are out dancing and looking for Mr. Right Now may be very different from what you would find sexy in Mr. Right. A bad boy with broad shoulders and a cute butt may get your attention at a club when you’re looking for a hookup. If you’re serious about dating, sexy eyes may be less arousing than clues that the guy in question might make a decent husband.
So what’s sexy? Here are some key ingredients:
Self-acceptance is fundamentally sexy in just about anyone. For gay men, that includes being comfortable with your sexual orientation. It means being able to be yourself; after all, who is better qualified for the job?
Self-confidence that allows you to take the initiative is something most people think of as masculine and appealing. Lots of people feel shy about approaching a stranger in a bar or starting up a conversation in a public place. They are relieved when someone else does that chore for them. And being able to look someone in the eye when you are speaking with them communicates a lot of positive things in our culture.
Similarly, a bit of sexual aggressiveness can be very appealing. That’s primarily true if you’ve picked up on signals that the other person is receptive to an advance and if you make your move with some subtlety and style.
Being able to truly listen to the other person and carry on a conversation communicates an ability to create emotional safety. If someone can share that kind of intimacy with you, it’s much easier for them to imagine being physically intimate as well. That’s also why paying attention to the other person’s needs and desires is so sexy. Candlelight helps!
Taking care of your physical self is an important part of sexiness, but not as much as you might imagine. Grooming is important, but physical perfection is far less crucial than being at home in your body. (It’s that self-acceptance thing again.) If you seem alive, relaxed and free, your body is going to have some appeal.
So what’s not sexy? The list could be long, but the sexy list gives us some clues:
- Trying to be someone else, rather than yourself. Being closeted about being gay is very unsexy.
- Narcissism – always talking about yourself, for instance – is different from self-confidence; it’s boring and irritating.
- Perfectionism and criticism, whether aimed at yourself or at others, is certainly not going to make someone feel comfortable and safe around you. Definitely not sexy.
- Being so aggressive that you don’t know when to back off or take “No” for an answer makes you a jerk, not a sexy man.
About John
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to relationships, intimacy, sexuality, anxiety, depression and work-life balance. He can be reached at john.ballew@gmail.com or at (404) 874-8536. Copyright 2012 by John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved. Please contact for permission to reprint an article. Thanks!
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