Sensitive people often have a keen sense of empathy for others.  In fact, they may be uncomfortably empathic, having a difficult time distinguishing between what a distraught friend is feeling and their own sense of being upset.  That can lead to difficulty in setting healthy boundaries with others (while making it even more important to have those boundaries in the first place).  In relationships, they may tolerate the intolerable as a result.

Overly sensitive people may wonder if carrots feel pain when they are chopping veggies for a salad.  Seeing a dog that is missing a leg makes them tear up.  Sad music….well, you get the idea.  They may pick up clues about what is going on with a friend when the other person thinks they are hiding their emotions – or when the friend isn’t even aware what he or she is feeling.

Did I mention that these folks can be extremely troubled by criticism, rejection or fear of failure?  That can make interpersonal relationships complicated.  Job reviews can cause them to feel uncomfortably vulnerable.  They may avoid confrontation in relationships.

Sensitivity is not a bad thing.  In a world that can be cold and unfeeling, empathy is welcome.  The emotional intelligence that comes with being sensitive can be an advantage if it isn’t too extreme.  But to live this way can feel like going through life without a protective skin, and that’s a hard way to live.

If you are highly emotionally sensitive, there are things you can do to take good care of yourself:

• Fight perfectionist tendencies.  Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic.  Ask others for feedback (occasionally) to get a reality check on your own expectations.
• Learn to manage your emotions.  (Note:  this is not the same thing as saying, “Don’t be so sensitive!”)  Realize that ups and downs are part of life.  Cultivate calmness, maybe through meditation.  Notice when you need time alone to decompress, and when you need to be with others.
• Beware of negative self-talk.  Self-criticism is a bad habit for overly-sensitive people – one you can’t really afford.  Learn to recognize and manage negative thoughts before they get away from you.
• Cultivate emotionally healthy friends.  You don’t need to be around people who always bring you down, or who are emotional vampires who always leave you feeling drained.
• Cultivate a sense of humor.  Life is easier when you don’t take everything with too much seriousness.

When they take care of themselves, emotionally sensitive people make the world a better place.  They can be great friends.  They can be champions and advocates for outcasts and the downtrodden.  The key is self-compassion, self-management and self-care.  For sensitive people, that may seem like a life-long journey.  Stop judging your self or comparing yourself to others.  You can learn to manage your interior life and manage life’s ups and downs.

Emotionally sensitive people is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

The respondents reported greater rates of disability, depression, and loneliness, and were more likely to smoke and binge-drink compared to heterosexuals of similar ages. Almost two-thirds of them had been victimized at least three times, and 13 percent had been denied health care or received inferior care. Still, LGBT older adults remained resilient. Nine in 10 engaged in wellness activities like meditation and 82 percent said they regularly exercised. Nearly all of them felt good about belonging to the LGBT community, and more than a third stated that they attended spiritual or religious services.

There are all sorts of reasons why gay and lesbian seniors may have had a rougher go of it.  While antigay violence and discrimination are still far too prevalent, life really has gotten better for gay people in the almost 43 years since the Stonewall riots.  But for many seniors, these gains came relatively late in life, after years that were impacted by rampant discrimination and

People who are seniors in 2012 faced rampant discrimination in employment and health care, invisibility in the public sector and too often isolation from family.  Often the only gathering spaces open to them were bars; small surprise, then, that alcohol has too-prominent a place in many of their lives.  Marriage equality wasn’t on the radar screen.  Indeed, many seniors were potential felons until the US Supreme Court overturned sodomy laws in 2003.

Despite this, LGBT elders show a remarkable resiliency.  Many formed enduring relationships that are an amazing testimony to love, given all of the obstacles placed in their way.  Findings suggest that identification with the gay community is particularly strong for this age group – not too much of a surprise, considering that many of these resourceful people were responsible for the existence of a gay community in the first place.

The full study report from the University of Washington is available here in PDF format.

The resilience of gay seniors is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

Whether its images of Cupid’s arrow or talk of chemistry, most people expect to know quickly, if not instantaneously, when they’ve fallen in love.  The talk of chemistry is interesting, because part of what’s involved is literally just that – neurochemistry, in this case.  Research shows that when you’re smitten with someone, you experience an amphetamine-like soup of hormones and neurotransmitters.  The two most involved are dopamine and phenylethylalamine, or PEA.  We find ourselves focused on the other, almost obsessed.  We’re infatuated, and it feels good.

It is important to understand that this isn’t the same thing as love.  You may be experiencing what is sometimes called limerence.  It’s a little euphoric.  It can also be transitory.  And it could be an oxytocin high.  Sometimes called the cuddle chemical, oxytocin causes us to feel more attached after physical intimacy.  It can also make us stupid, because sometimes the person we’re attached to is not an appropriate choice.  Women seem to be particularly prone to oxytocin intoxication.

So how do you know if its love?  Here are a few clues:

• You find yourself loving the time you spend together.  You’d rather be with this person than just about anyone else, and you may annoy your friends by spending your time away from your guy/gal talking about your guy/gal.
• You feel warmth and affection for your crush and find you can’t help expressing it – verbally, physically and in other ways.
• You enjoy the other person’s personality and the way it expresses itself – including in odd or quirky little ways.
• You feel better – more secure, more stable – in the other person’s presence than you did when you were by yourself.
• The other person becomes a priority for you – not to the exclusion of your own needs and wants, but you find that you are influenced by the other’s needs.  You want to make him or her happy.
• You find yourself thinking and dreaming about plans for life down the road together.

Understanding love can be confusing – all the more so because you and your significant other may not get there at the precisely the same moment.  Feelings can get a little bruised if one person is more enthusiastic and into the relationship than the other is, perhaps because the two of you carry different baggage into the relationship.  So remember the advice The Supremes gave many years ago:  “You can’t hurry love, no you just have to wait.”  When it comes to true love, patience is indeed a virtue.

How do you know if you’re really in love? is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

Potentially more useful is a wiki called How to Flirt from wikiHow.  Its free and offers useful advice.

Flirting is a challenge for those of us who are shy.  Starting a conversation at the gym or supermarket can feel daunting.  Alas, it is also pretty essential to the process of dating.  Perhaps technology can help a bit, but making the connection is ultimately up to you.  Some things to consider:

• Look approachable.  Be aware of your body language; let it communicate openness.  Don’t forget to smile.
• Break the ice.  Make eye contact.  Consider offering a compliment about what your crush is wearing or doing is a start; it’s best not to get too far ahead of yourself by commenting on body parts.  Introduce yourself.  Have trouble making small talk?  There are dozens of books on the topic.
• Your goal is a little light conversation.  Many people put too much pressure on themselves by feeling they’ve got to keep talking until the flirt turns into something like a first date.  No need to put that much pressure on yourself.  A little small talk is fine.  Don’t be afraid to ask a question or two, but give the person time to respond.  Chatting is a two-way streak.
• Look interested, not desperate.  A little humor can go a long way to put the other person at ease.  Avoid coming across in a manner that is so intense that it marks you as a potential stalker.
• If someone isn’t interested, move on.  This can be hard for shy people.  Give yourself credit for taking a chance, and don’t worry if you don’t hit a home run your first time at bat.

Can technology can help?  Maybe.  But flashing your phone with a large U R HOT text at someone in a crowded bar probably isn’t the shortcut to success.

Flirting: there’s an app for that is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

Take statins if you’re over 50, and baby Aspirin, too. Drop the vitamin supplements like they were a lit cigarette. Junk the juicer. If the vegetables at the supermarket aren’t today-fresh, opt for fresh frozen. Wear sensible shoes. Eat lunch and go to bed at the same time every day. Get your flu shot. Move around a lot, even when you aren’t exercising. Digitize your medical records, family history and genetic profile, and store this information on a USB stick. Carry it with you always. Share it, anonymously, with the world.

This presentation by Agus at TED in December, 2011, says that we don’t need to fully understand complex diseases in order to stop them.  While his focus is on physical illness and health, some of the actions that enhance physical health (exercise, for instance) support mental health as well.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

(via the Atlantic)

The end of illness? is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

Anxiety can take many forms:  panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive behavior, generalized anxiety or anxiety in social situations.  Fortunately, anxiety is highly treatable.  Unfortunately, too many people try to deal with anxiety by popping a pill.  Medication may be useful as part of a plan to manage or end anxiety, but it isn’t the sole answer.

What to do if anxiety is a problem?

• If the news is making you anxious, don’t expose yourself to so much of it.  Turn off the TV and limit your time visiting online news sites.
• Get enough rest.  Good sleep patterns help us build emotional resiliency and bounce back from setbacks.
• Exercise is essential.  30 minutes of walking a day can be as useful as medication for some people.
• Face your fears.  Avoidance is an ineffective strategy for managing most kinds of anxiety.  Better to find a safe, planned way to move through problems rather than deny them.
• Pick up new stress busting skills:  meditation, stress-resilient values, making time to relax.
• Know when to get help.  Saying that anxiety is treatable is not the same thing as saying it is easy to deal with.  Psychotherapists have a variety of techniques available to help clients.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking you have to do this all on your own.

If you would like help in dealing with feelings of anxiety, being stuck or sadness and depression, please contact me.

Anxiety and modern life is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

We’ve got a lot going on inside of us at any given moment.  Our minds are very busy, full of thoughts and emotions, much of it going on in the background; that can make it very hard to define exactly what we’re feeling or what is going on inside us.  This is especially true for men, who often have grown up learning to control their emotions rather than express them.  How can we gain greater awareness of our internal world?  Here are some steps:

• Check in with yourself from time to time.  That’s especially true when some event has happened that causes you to feel something intense.  (Intense feelings are understandably easier to identify.)
• Start by taking a few deep breaths.  Breathing gives you the space you need to pay attention.  And while you’re at it…
• Don’t judge yourself, your thoughts or your feelings.  Feelings bubble up or come on us with the force of a tidal wave.  Everyone has them.  Believing you shouldn’t feel the way you feel is a great way to get stuck in the feeling!
• What do you notice?  Can you give a name to the feeling?  Some emotions – anger, for instance – can usually be identified quickly.  Other feelings, like hurt, can be surprisingly tough to label.  You get extra credit for digging a little deeper and noticing if there is another feeling next to or underneath the first one.
• What thoughts accompany a particular feeling?  Feelings are often connected to thoughts, beliefs, or judgments of our selves or others.  Often these thoughts are irrational.

If you’re feeling something negative or painful, take a moment to consider how you can treat yourself with kindness and compassion.  Accepting yourself and your feelings for what they are is an emotionally healthy thing.  And remember that feelings are something that you have, not something that you are.  Your feelings can and will change, often in a breath or a heartbeat.

Emotional awareness is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

For many people, work is more stressful than ever:  worries about layoffs, doing more with fewer resources or taking on the responsibilities that used to be shared among a larger staff.  No wonder that more Americans are taking antidepressant medication than ever.

While long hours are not a matter of choice for many people, for others overtime has become a style of working rather than an obligation imposed from outside.  Maybe they are perfectionists, unable to let go of a project or responsibility when it has reached “good enough” status.  Or their anxiety translates into obsessive behavior around work assignments.  For others, work becomes a way of avoiding an empty home life.

A life that works requires balance:  interpersonal intimacy, physical activity and fun in addition to employment.  If work has started to crowd out the rest of your life, take action to avoid feelings helpless and becoming depressed.  If the situation is temporary, look for stress relievers like exercise and time with friends to get you through.  But if work is a chronic problem, look at what you can do to restore work-life balance.  That may mean changing how you approach your work.  It may mean changing jobs.  For sure it means working to live, not living to work.

Overtime-depression connection is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

The majority of people that I have met, and I would say the majority meaning 99.9 percent of them, have not experienced a change in their orientation or have gotten to a place where they could say that they could never be tempted or are not tempted in some way or experience some level of same-sex attraction. I think that there is a gender issue there. There are some women who have challenged me and said, “Well that – my orientation or my attractions have changed completely.” Those have been few and far between. The vast majority of people that I know do still experience some level of same-sex attraction.

Consider that Exodus works with very highly motivated individuals – mostly people who imagine they will experience eternal damnation if they aren’t successful.  Even with that sort of “encouragement,” these folks are as gay as they ever were.

What Exodus does sometimes change, at least temporarily, is how that sexuality is expressed.  A man may have as much attraction to other men as ever, but with sufficient motivation – there’s that damnation thing again, plus family pressure and society’s privileging of heterosexuality – some men can act heterosexual.  Sometimes these men get married, much to their later regret and the regret of their wives.  And sometimes men stay single and try to avoid sexual thoughts about men.  How well does that work?  Let’s do an experiment.  Right now, try not to think of an elephant.

This is not a formula for a happy, fulfilling life.  This is a prescription for loneliness, self-loathing and isolation.

I’ve written elsewhere about understanding sexual orientation.  A better course of action for conflicted individuals is working through these conflicts to explore what is most true for themselves and what sort of choices lead to a life that is satisfying, loving and connected with others.

Changing Sexual Orientation? is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

(And thanks to Patrick for calling my attention to this.)

Feeling stuck? is a post from: John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional Counselor